By Carl-John X Veraja
Following an extended session of the Ecclesiastical Congress, an edict was handed down that God was indeed interested in reclaiming Canada for the Harvest.
The Senate is expected to take up the issue tomorrow.
Reverend Edward Macy said the number of congressmen receiving the same message couldn’t be a coincidence.
“When this many people of various Christian faiths all come to the conviction that God has spoken on a matter of grave concern for national security,” said Macy, “we urge the other houses and the President to take note.”
President Plather had originally expressed diffidence.
“Bombing is what you do after all other avenues have been exhausted,” said Plather, speaking at Vatican II in December. “Secular Canada has given up much in negotiations before, helping to attach Alaska to the 48 states. It is written that the labor of the heathen will profit the righteous. Our God created the tar sands for the righteous people of the United States to do with as they see fit, so that the glorious summer of faith should extend even unto the ends of the Earth.”
However, since the edict, Plather changed his tone.
“Vengeance shall reign down on Toronto,” said President Plather, just hours ago. “His justice shall manifest in the streets of Ottawa. The Satanic side of Niagara shall bear witness to a waterfall of fiery destruction.”
“Are you saying we’re going to bomb Canada?” a reporter asked.
“I am awaiting the recommendation of the Joint Chief of Staff,” said Plather.
President Plather expressed confidence that the current Joint Chief of Staff would comply with the “spirit of the edict.” Marvin Gramuder, the previous Joint Chief of Staff, was beheaded for ignoring calls by the Ecclesiastical Congress for a preemptive strike on the Bahamas, in which later a newspaper allowed the publication of a cartoon depicting our Lord and Savior surfing.
“We don’t want to let Canada get the jump on us like the Bahamas did,” said Rep. Father Jeffrey O’Connor (L). “Souls are at stake.”
(“Time Traveler’s Daily” brings you news from the future. If it’s here, it’ll happen.)